TSA lines may go from miles to mile (singular).
Suffering from social media addiction?
A chocolate heist.
Markets
PAST WEEK | YEAR-SO-FAR | |
|---|---|---|
Nasdaq | -4.7% | -9.8% |
S&P500 | -3.4% | -7.4% |
MSCI Emerging Markets | -2.8% | -1.9% |
Bitcoin* | -1.3% | -23.8% |
Ethereum* | -1.4% | -32.1% |
Stock of the week: | +48.6% | +15.7% |
Crypto of the week: | +23.4% | +51.9% |
*Source: CoinGecko.com As of 10:49PM March 29, 2026
World news
Top news stories of the past week
1) Bad news if you love waiting in a nine hour line: President Donald Trump signed an executive action to pay TSA employees during the continued Department of Homeland Security shutdown - one that has caused some truly insane airport security lines and financial hardship for federal workers. However, the order does not resolve the broader funding problem, as House Republicans rejected a Senate compromise bill on DHS funding, leaving the shutdown and political standoff unresolved. Great!
Omg funnnnn
2) Insta addiction = pay-day: A California jury found Meta and YouTube liable for intentionally designing addictive platforms that harmed a young woman’s mental health and ordered them to pay her $6 million in damages. The young woman noted she started using YouTube around age six and Instagram around age nine. Call me old-fashioned, but that feels like something the parents should have limited.
3) Fewer deepfake videos: OpenAI is shutting down its AI video creation service, Sora. What was created to be an AI-competitor to TikTok (allowing users to create AI videos and share them) turned out to cost an insane amount of money (shocker). After gaining 1 million active users in just a month, downloads tumbled 70% and active users have fallen 34%. Turns out people would rather watch videos that MIGHT NOT be real as opposed to videos that DEFINITELY AREN’T.
This is the least offensive AI video clip I found.
Top WEIRD stories of the past week
1) Thieves in Europe hijacked a truck carrying 12 tons of KitKats - more than 400,000 bars - prompting Nestlé to warn of potential supply shortages ahead of the Easter holiday. In unrelated news, my tummy hurts.
2) Food delivery robots in Chicago have sparked safety concerns after two separate autonomous devices veered off course and shattered glass bus shelters within a single week. R2D2 would never.
3) In one of the most “lad” acts of all-time, an England football (soccer, whatever) fan is trying to sell his house to fund his World Cup trip this summer. Is it weird that I don’t like sports this much?
Chart
You like charts? Graphs? Ya you do
Three charts for the price of one, which is free, because you don’t pay to receive this newsletter (lucky).
Here’s how the Iran war is impacting markets so far.
Music
Banger of the week
Most important thing
Meme? Nah. Art.
